The Redeeming Qualities of a Snowflake Eater
An Excerpt from my Travel Journal: The G20 Protests of 2009

April 1st, 2009 11:53 P.M. St. Christopher’s Inn, at the bar, Hammersmith, London
Riot in the city. Theatrics. Anarchists, hippies, spectators. Police getting pelted with glass bottles, cans, baby powder. Trashcans flying through the air, crashing down, spilling out. Dread-locked freaks banging on overturned street cones, pounding bank windows like tribal drums. I sat next to a bonfire in the middle of Chamomile Street and warmed up with a circle of activists while hungry photographers clicked rapidly, some of them clearly marked as “MEDIA”. All of this happening on streets that were virtually empty the night prior.

We met with Carl and his friends at 7PM in front of Liverpool Station. They had already been at the protest. Activists were taking policeman’s hats and tossing them in the air, those goofy British police hats.

Immediately I knew the atmosphere around The City had shifted. We were perhaps a mile from the action when we arrived from the inn to meet the Swedes, but the street was full of freaks. Garbage was piled up, empty booze containers and cigarette butts all around the formerly classy Liverpool Station. A lone female McDonald’s employee faithfully swept the steps which were far enough from  the proximity of McDonald’s to be a different person’s problem. The air reeked of “problem”.

We enthusiastically greeted the Swedes and made our way South to the real action. Riot police wouldn’t let us into “The Climate Camp,” a group of activists boxed in by lines and lines of yellow-vested storm troopers. People stood in the streets, the occasional police car or pedestrian vehicle grudging through the freaks. Not being able to enter “The Climate Camp” made me want in immediately. We walked around the block, trying to sneak in the back. After a few futile attempts to wriggle through the Storm Troopers, we headed a bit further south.

There was a four-way intersection, and down at the west end of the road was a particularly rebellious group in front of a line of troopers (the crowd seemed to be following the police at this point). It was a small group, but boisterous, seeking conflict. We joined in out of curiosity and in about 10 minutes there was a massive crowd hissing and jostling, dissing and posturing. Our group had gradually migrated further from the boundary: the intersecting vector between riot control and the crowd. Restless for more entertainment, friction, we moved forward again.

I passed a body lying on the sidewalk and stopped. A pale body on its back and not moving, a crowd of about 5 surrounding it, looking down. In 5 seconds there was a crowd of 10 surrounding it, snapping photos hungrily—feasting on flesh. I stepped up (shamefully grasping my camera in my coat pocket) to see if he was breathing. The middle-aged body was. Its arms and legs sprawled helplessly out like a starfish. Breathing slightly. Moving along.

Glass bottles began flying. A cloud of smoke appeared in front of the riot troops. Tear gas? Panic began brewing. Police shoving people, loud clanging and shattering sounds flooding the street, moving like a human river now and pulsing with fear and confusion, moving in unison like a school of fish. A large bottle full of clear liquid, looking very much like Moltov cocktail flies at the officers.

A huge clang. And now a trashcan flying through the air and several glass bottles. A cloud of smoke appeared from directly in front of the police again. Screaming. The whole crowd ripples like a lake. The people closest turn and run and likewise everyone does, all at once a waterfall of fearful expectation: rubber bullets? Tear gas? Glass bottles explode against buildings and a stampede ensues, ending abruptly but still hesitant, wary, backing off slowly, some people back-peddling to see what happens next: which freak needs attention the most? Which cop is the most hateful? Who will set the bar higher?

About half an hour after his collapse, an ambulance finally squeezed its way through the crowd, but the man on the ground was dead. As the ambulance hauled his corpse away, spectators pelted the ambulance with bottles.

At 7:45 activists are climbing streetlights. Bottles of wine, hard alcohol (Captain Morgan, really?) and all manner of liquor magically appear in peoples’ hands. A helicopter hovers above, the new crews are timid. It feels like something awful could happen any time, as an endless parade of police and riot troops descend like vindictive marching band geeks on a bizarrely polite raid of a city completely taken over by youth, disenchanted by war, capitalism, greed, indifference: and who could blame us for that? But silly humanity, smashing and polluting to protest smashing and polluting. Oh, the pain. Oh, the humour. It’s 5 till 2. The bar is closing. Bye.

April 2nd, 2009 8:17 A.M. St. Christopher’s Inn, Hammersmith, London
The Barely Breathing Starfish Man was pronounced dead on the news just minutes ago. I wonder how everyone’s photos turned out. They didn’t identify the man, but said that he died in the Bishop’s Gate area of “natural causes not related to the protest or police involvement.” Make of that what you will, I guess.

Authors Note: Later in the day (on April 2nd), I gave my testimony of the man’s death to a member of the media. He wanted more than I could give him.

Metal and Indie…a Study of Band-Nameology

 

It seems that every metal-band has an indie-rock-band counterpart somewhere in the world. Observe:
Iron Maiden = Iron Deficiency
Cannibal Corpse = Vegan Corpse
Children of Bodom = Kids of Lake Woebegone
Slayer = Noogier
Slipknot = The (Flemish) Eight
Metallica = Formica
Candlemass = Candlemass
Danzig = Mike Zig’s Community Orchestra
My Dying Bride = My Girlfriend Who is Often Sick
Korn = Corn
Cradle of Filth = Messy Baby Bed
Atheist = Agnostic
At the Gates = Smoking Cigarettes by the Fence
Scorpions = Baby Scorpions
Napalm Death = Ivy Rash
Morbid Angel = Sad Clown
Emperor = Chairman of The Parks and Recreation Board
Faith No More = Faith Sometimes
Suicidal Tendencies = Gloomy Habits
Yngwie J. Malmsteen = Gnrwznigy Q. Buckley
In Flames = Flaming
Ministry = Soda Pop Club
Pentagram = Obtuse Triangle
Anthrax = Bad Booger Sugar
Motley Crue = Smelly Bunch
After Forever = Later Today
Collusion = Confabulation
Nightwish = Sleepy Time Lady Dreams
Blue Cheer = Blue Cheer
Buffalo = Cute Little Cats
Cactus = Perrenial Grasses
Cirith Ungol = Chris Ungol’s Baton Twirling Ragamuffins
Flower Travellin’ Band = Flower Travellin’ Band
Lucifer’s Friend = Lucy’s Tall Buddy from Where She Works
Night Sun = Moon
Vanilla Fudge = Vanilla Fudge (featuring Chris Ungol’s Baton Twirling Ragamuffins)
Rainbow = Rainbow
……am I missing any?
Facts about Finland

My ancestors are from Finland, a magical place in the Arctic Circle that experiences 22 hours of straight miracle daylight in the summer, and high suicide rates and alcoholism in the winter…which never ends there. I live in Chicago, and when people here complain that it’s cold, I smile and wink and say: “Here are some facts about my home country, Finland.”

  • Race in Finland: 99% White, 1% Bluish-White
  • Amount of Cow’s Blood Eaten or Drank in Finland: Many Cows Worth of Blood
  • How People Kill/Catch Fish in Finland: 15% with Rod & Reel, 15% with Nets, 30% with Crippling Depression, 10% with Alcoholism, 4% with Skull-Hammers, 2% with Speed Metal. (Though many of the fish hop out of the water onto the shore, just to fucking end it, you know?)
  • Top Selling Liquors in Finland: 1. Captain Morgan…2. Reljenskalotteen Durggle…3. Mead…4. Ether…5. Fishen Vodken
  • Birth Rate and Death Rate in Finland: Nearly Equal.

Which of these facts is the MOST TRUE? The last one. If anyone has any questions about Finland, I’m the best person to ask.

Someday This Will Matter

Here’s the brief story behind this album of mine. This album is Orange. Orange is part one in a seven part series—which follows the color spectrum backwards. The next is Red. Then Violet. Then Indigo. And so on. The last album will be Yellow. 
This whole thing will be a poem. The title for each album names a stanza in this poem. The words of this poem…are the song titles. Get it? So this is 1/7th of the poem:
We know how it ends/
I am a snowflake eater/
Someday this will matter/
Manic repression/
You will always be a pussy/
Life is funny/
Across the universe/
This is the first Deadbees CD with no guest musicians. The Red album will be written and recorded this winter. The colors set the tone for each album. The colors help me write the songs, and making the songs helps me feel good.
The instruments used on this one: Banjo, Lap-harp, Ol’ Blackey (the guitar), and Glockenspiel.

Man Punches Question Mark. Question Mark in ICU.

Physicists agree: gravity is universally attractive, except on humans. I still have nightmares about my dead wife. Gravity was cruel to her in life. I can only imagine the sorrowful hijinx it plays upon her droopy ghost.

The woman was a black hole, and I was a fearless astronaut. There are reasons people don’t jump into black holes: sure, you might discover something wonderful in there, but most likely, you’ll die…torn apart by the Bitch of the World, gravity

And here is where I made my first mistake, going in. At first, I thought I had entered a black hole—when in fact, it was a worm hole. When I passed through the portal, I entered an alternate universe where I was never quite myself. I started drinking tea. Masturbation was suddenly very appealing. I would invite friends to strip clubs, just so I could pretend for a moment that I was still a creepy bachelor.

One night, my friend Todd (the exterminator) and I were just about to leave for the strip club. I was gingerly putting on my “going out” sweat pants, and staring at myself in the mirror. Unexpectedly, I fell to the floor, shaking. Todd came rushing in, so startled that he spilled his wine cooler all over my new collectible dolls.

“Take me back to the portal!! I wanna go back! I want my old universe!” I screeched.

“Portal’s closed. It closed the minute you said ‘I do’. Idiot,” grunted Todd.

I could feel the atoms in my body squeezing together. I realized my second mistake. This was the black hole. As my body began collapsing in on itself, I saw Todd reach out his hand. Before I knew it, I was a region of infinite density…which looks like a small ball of magic—with my tiny finger sticking out, wedding band still intact.

Things are really starting to happen for me.

Things are really starting to happen for me.

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Life without Cigarettes: the Bone Monster

Day 2 without Cigarettes:

Haven’t shaved in weeks (and one day). I can smell things again. I think I like it. Some light jogging even happened already. Even my fingers are finging again like it’s 2004.

But now something is wrong. My fingers are finging out of control, like remote-controlled baby carrots on some sort of vegetable-robot (with carrot fingers). I guess we all expected that, though.

What I didn’t expect, is the dream permanence. Let me explain.

Usually, dreams don’t fucking matter. They end. They have no consequence. You start fresh the next night. Therein lies an ephemeral beauty, which can only be disturbed by a loud noise or the need to pee. Regardless, every dream is a new dream.

But what I’m dealing with is utterly different. Since I’ve quit smoking, my dreams have permanence. Two nights ago, my finger was chopped off in a dream. Last night, when I went back to my Dreamland, I was still missing that finger.

It gets worse. I got married in my dream, to an abusive dream-wife. Sure enough, last night she was back again, and she was pissed…(milk went up 49 cents, and I bought it anyway. She’s right, I’m an idiot. Sorry for wanting every food group in my dream-fridge. Bitch.)

It gets worser. We had a pair of shitty, bratty dream-kids together. Jessica wanted two, and I couldn’t refuse. What I didn’t know, is that dream-pregnancies only last one REM cycle. I barely had time to buy the cigars before Jessica was getting an epidural on Doctor Pemalarm’s table (she pooped on the table, by the way). Yay! Twins! (That was sarcasm. I’m pissed.)

Dreams mean something different to me now. I wish to stay awake. Every dream, I go back to the fucking grind. I have a wife and two kids to support when I’m asleep, so I took a dead-end dream-job. Fuck. Every night, I pound coffee, trying to stay awake. I can’t go back to this. Jesus.

I mean seriously, who works in a factory while they’re asleep? Putting wear and tear on their elbows, building helmets out of crystals? Just so we can keep fighting the awful Bone Monster who constantly threatens to destroy Dreamland? Fuck!

I’m done. Fuck it. I’m not going to sleep tonight. I’m not going to show up to my shitty dream-job. Jessica and the kids can fend for themselves. I’m going to stay awake forever if I have to.

No. Damn it. I have to go back; jobs are just too hard to come by in this dream-economy.

Dang, I need a smoke.

Life without Cigarettes: a Tale of Unrequited Love

Day 1 without Cigarettes:

Haven’t shaved in weeks. Stomach upset. No appetite. Strange hot/cold feelings. Mopey mood. Slept in two or three hours longer than usual. Couldn’t go to work, knew I would find a way to get Cigarettes if I did. Waiting for other impulsive behavior to replace Cigarettes. Maybe sex with strangers? That’d be okay, I guess. At least it’s not food.

Nicotine gum is my new lady. But something isn’t complete. There is still some sort of withdrawal, perhaps from one of the other 399 chemicals in cigarettes. It must be one of the chemicals that turns grumpy people like me into happy, smoking members of society. Something tells me the real aggression starts tomorrow, which will be great for the family cookout I’m attending. (“FUCK THIS POTATO SALAD!”)

This wouldn’t be a problem if cigarettes had loved me back. Instead, they fucked up my lungs, my singing voice, several items of clothing, and probably my arteries and heart. What’s up with that, cigs? All I ever wanted was to smoke you roughly every 27 minutes when I was awake (and roughly every 45 minutes when I was asleep). I wanted us to be close. I brought you to every party and social event. I spent many nights alone with you. At times, you were truly my only friend. When I was in strange places as a foreigner, you gave my mouth something to do—but even more than that, you gave my hand something to do. You helped me forge friendships with complete strangers. You helped me burn deer-ticks off of friend’s backs. You helped me believe that by lighting you, I could keep bugs away, even though that’s probably not true. It makes me wonder what else wasn’t true.

You fuckers. You were killing me. And you were killing others with your “second-hand coolness”. I don’t think you were ever cool. You were like the bully-friend that hangs out when it’s convenient, and then calls me a faggot and gives me lung cancer when I won’t give you a ride somewhere.

You know what? I’m done. I’m fucking done. I have a long, lonely life ahead of me, and I’m going to enjoy the shit out of it without you. You’ll probably be illegal soon anyway. Maybe someday, people will look at you as something super-insanely deadly, like a war—and people will say, “Look at Ben. He survived a ten-year cigarette war. What a hero!” and I will tell them that I was a helicopter pilot and ruin the whole joke.

You broke my heart, cigarettes. Fuck you.